June 3, 2012
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I`m probably one of the most lonely people at my school. I have the worst social skills when it comes to talking to my friends and I rarely make new ones. I have found out that without a good social life in high school, you are miserable. I often find myself feeling very alone at lunch because everyone at my table goes to the library to go hang out after eating or there`s only one person at the table that I don`t know. Most of the people I sit with are perverts that like to make dirty jokes and lately i`ve been really sick of it.
I have a mentor that I look forward to seeing every day. Her name is Mrs Thornhill. She is the Deaf interpreter at my school. She interprets for a hard of hearing boy at my school. Every morning when I get to school, I do my hair in the bathroom, then go wait for her to get there. Sometimes she`s there when I get there, but she usually comes at 8, and the bell for class rings at 8:14, so we don`t have much time together in the morning. When she gets to school, she has to check in which takes 5-8 minutes, so we really don`t have much time together. Of course this is on a typical day. One day my friend told me she quit, and I cried for half the day. My heart was torn into pieces. I was so relieved when she emailed me telling me she just took a few days off. I don`t know what I would do without her. We hang out as much as we can, since none of my friends really talk to me much. I feel most lonely at lunch, during class when i`m not busy, and at home when I feel the need to get involved in activities. Mrs Thornhill told me to write her a letter whenever I feel lonely. I need to start doing that again. I have felt deep, unbearable pain because of loneliness. It`s so hard dealing with the things that come with being lonely. I`m often selfish, and I get really jealous of people who have a good social status. (I recently heard that jealousy is a form of abuse). I also get really mad easily. I could go on forever the symptoms of loneliness. Charminghealth.com has a good list of them. I have a friend that tells me “not to worry about it” when I ask her about things. It really bothers me. I have ADD, which everyone that has it should know they are socially screwed. I have been socially rejected by my peers since I was in elementary school. I also get bullied a lot every year at school. Probably because i`m so alone with hardly anyone by my side to back me up. I`m sick of it, and i`m going to want to die if I get bullied this school year again.
The reason why ADD is so bad is because people with it often have poor social skills. For me I feel like that`s a huge reason for why i`m lonely. Friends don`t seem interested in talking to me very often. Probably because of my voice or social skills. I have mild cerebral palsy. My voice is slightly impaired, and i`m sometimes very self conscious about it when i`m talking. I used to stutter horrible, but I rarely have problems with it now. I`m interested in sign language, so I try to sign when I can`t say a certain word. The problem is, most of the people I know don`t know any sign language, so I get really frustrated. When I was younger, my stuttering was so bad I did`nt want to talk. I had a speech teacher, and she helped me. I think these all contribute to being lonely. Since i`m self conscious about my voice, I refuse to talk to the class or read out loud, and when I have done it, my chest would be hurting and I would be out of breath from straining my voice to sound halfway decent and make the class hear me. I would rather be written up. I hope this does`nt go on forever. I have never had a boyfriend or went on a date or had my first kiss. I get crushes, but no one would want me except for a 23 or 24 year old that said he would be my boyfriend if he was my age. I`m probably leaving something out, but this is good for now. I better not have to deal with this once I`m an adult. I probably will.
February 13, 2011
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I’m sitting here, reading your mail. Three sentences into it I had to get up and get a drink first. I could see this was going to be a long read. You sound so happy with the new work. Everything is new and big and shiny. There are so many challenges. But that is what you love. To take a problem, reduce it to its smallest component and then solve them one by one. Total dedication. I think that is one of the reasons I fell in love with you.
I can see that your move to bigger and better things was definitely the right one. Yet I cannot help feeling jealous. Spending all that time at work, making new friends meeting new people. I know it will be just a matter of time before you meet some guy that is equally driven. And things will progress from there.
You are going places that I cannot follow you. Places I don’t WANT to follow. But I can see it makes you happy. This is what you have been working so hard for and I can say with all my heart that you deserve every second of success coming your way.
I feel as if I’m losing you forever, even though I know that’s not true. But one day, when you come back from those places, or when you’ve carved your niche and it’s big enough for two, that day, think back and remember me. I cannot predict the future but I KNOW you will succeed beyond your wildest dreams.
Goodbye my friend, goodbye