Story of Loneliness
June 3, 2012
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I`m probably one of the most lonely people at my school. I have the worst social skills when it comes to talking to my friends and I rarely make new ones. I have found out that without a good social life in high school, you are miserable. I often find myself feeling very alone at lunch because everyone at my table goes to the library to go hang out after eating or there`s only one person at the table that I don`t know. Most of the people I sit with are perverts that like to make dirty jokes and lately i`ve been really sick of it.
I have a mentor that I look forward to seeing every day. Her name is Mrs Thornhill. She is the Deaf interpreter at my school. She interprets for a hard of hearing boy at my school. Every morning when I get to school, I do my hair in the bathroom, then go wait for her to get there. Sometimes she`s there when I get there, but she usually comes at 8, and the bell for class rings at 8:14, so we don`t have much time together in the morning. When she gets to school, she has to check in which takes 5-8 minutes, so we really don`t have much time together. Of course this is on a typical day. One day my friend told me she quit, and I cried for half the day. My heart was torn into pieces. I was so relieved when she emailed me telling me she just took a few days off. I don`t know what I would do without her. We hang out as much as we can, since none of my friends really talk to me much. I feel most lonely at lunch, during class when i`m not busy, and at home when I feel the need to get involved in activities. Mrs Thornhill told me to write her a letter whenever I feel lonely. I need to start doing that again. I have felt deep, unbearable pain because of loneliness. It`s so hard dealing with the things that come with being lonely. I`m often selfish, and I get really jealous of people who have a good social status. (I recently heard that jealousy is a form of abuse). I also get really mad easily. I could go on forever the symptoms of loneliness. Charminghealth.com has a good list of them. I have a friend that tells me “not to worry about it” when I ask her about things. It really bothers me. I have ADD, which everyone that has it should know they are socially screwed. I have been socially rejected by my peers since I was in elementary school. I also get bullied a lot every year at school. Probably because i`m so alone with hardly anyone by my side to back me up. I`m sick of it, and i`m going to want to die if I get bullied this school year again.
The reason why ADD is so bad is because people with it often have poor social skills. For me I feel like that`s a huge reason for why i`m lonely. Friends don`t seem interested in talking to me very often. Probably because of my voice or social skills. I have mild cerebral palsy. My voice is slightly impaired, and i`m sometimes very self conscious about it when i`m talking. I used to stutter horrible, but I rarely have problems with it now. I`m interested in sign language, so I try to sign when I can`t say a certain word. The problem is, most of the people I know don`t know any sign language, so I get really frustrated. When I was younger, my stuttering was so bad I did`nt want to talk. I had a speech teacher, and she helped me. I think these all contribute to being lonely. Since i`m self conscious about my voice, I refuse to talk to the class or read out loud, and when I have done it, my chest would be hurting and I would be out of breath from straining my voice to sound halfway decent and make the class hear me. I would rather be written up. I hope this does`nt go on forever. I have never had a boyfriend or went on a date or had my first kiss. I get crushes, but no one would want me except for a 23 or 24 year old that said he would be my boyfriend if he was my age. I`m probably leaving something out, but this is good for now. I better not have to deal with this once I`m an adult. I probably will.